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Monday, August 29, 2005

A little catching up to do

It has been well over a week since I came home. My lack of diligence with blogging has created a huge backlog of interesting stories that I would like to share with you. But in the interest of time (and in order to avoid a repeat of the tediously long-winded Montreal post) I will only mention here some highlights of what I have been up to since my return. To the best of my recollection, the following are in rough chronological order. But it is entirely possible that some events may have actually come before rather than after others as written here--and some, in fact, may not have occured at all and are only products of my imagination. You will have to read this at your own risk and with a fairly large grain of salt :)

My first few days in Vancouver were actually spent, in large part, with people from Toronto. Since I lived in this city most of my life, these first few days were the only days which I spent doing touristy things. On Friday, I had lunch with Ed and Lydia and spent the afternoon with them at Lonsdale Quay and the Vancouver Art Gallery. On Sunday, I had the pleasure of playing tourguide for the Hui sisters with stops at Granville Island, Stanley Park, and finally Grouse Mountain (I will remember the treachery generosity, and I shall be avenged!). In between my two tourguide gigs, I also got a chance to take in a Bublé concert at Deer Lake. I'm amazed at how well the weather held up during that first weekend (traditionally the rainiest weekend of the summer in Vancouver), even as my voice was reduced to tiny whispers.

Since then, I've managed to spend a lot of quality time with the folks. Most days, the routine goes like this: I wake up, finish off a lot of work, have dinner with my parents, and leave in the evening to hang out with friends. It's such a perfectly balanced system that I wonder why I couldn't stick to it when I actually lived here.

This past weekend I went up to Whistler with the folks and capped it off with a trip to the OMNIMAX with Vivs on Sunday. That place is honestly getting smaller every year. I remember staring over the seats as a child and feeling as if I were standing on a precipice of unimaginable height. Now the incline of the seats seats seems only a tad steeper than that at a typical Paramount Silvercity. Or maybe I've grown...nah.

As much as I like the quiet times I'm having with friends and family here, I'm starting to miss Toronto a bit. These days I'm finding that the bed I slept in for almost 14 years is too small for me--I crave the freedom of my king sized megabed in Toronto. Next week this time, I'll be packing up for my trip home. This time, I might not need quotation marks around 'home'.

Your Favorite Jerk

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Back home

I'm back in Vancouver after a quick flight from Toronto. For future reference, the window seat in row 16 of Air Canada's 767-200 series planes does NOT have a window! I'm not claustrophobic, but even I felt a little trapped. Thankfully, Jennifer Lopez was on the mainscreen to take my mind off things--worst.actress.ever. Okay, off to eat a well-deserved homecooked meal! More later.

Your Favorite Jerk

Monday, August 15, 2005

Pimp my teef

Image hosted by Photobucket.comSo, I see these shoes at the Eaton Centre today. I kid you not. They have RIMS on them that spin when you walk. Do the hip hop crowd not understand the concept of parody? Honestly, this stuff is beyond gawdy; it's sick. But my entrepeneurial spirit is telling me there is money to be made here. I've come up with an idea I think I can pitch to MTV to tap the hip-hop market. If all goes well, I'll be ahippin' and ahoppin' to the bank with this one. You ready for this? Let me freak your mind!

Okay, here's my idea: a TV show called Pimp My Teef. If you've seen Pimp My Ride on MTV, you'll instantly recognize the formula for my show. In a nutshell, we take a semi-famous, washed up rapper like Xzibit, and have him host a show where someone with a set of really messed up teeth gets his pearly whites "pimped out" at a ghetto dental clinic (preferably one with a cool name like Doc Thug's Teefcrib or some such). A typical show will end like this:

Fifteen minutes of fame guy (FMOFG): Yo, get the *beep* out dawg!!!!! WHOOOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Xzibit: Heh Heeeeeehhhhhhh!
FMOFG: No *beep*in way! Sh*beep*t!!!!!
Xzibit: Hah Haaaaaahhhhhhh!
FMOFG: That's what I'm talkin bout yo! *spits out some blood*
Xzibit: Yo [insert name of FMOFG], when you came in here last week, yo teef were messed! They stank so bad yo mama wouldn't even talk wit you. And they was mo crooked than Bill Clinton! Heh heeeeehhhhhhhh!
FMOFG: It's true, it's true!
Xzibit: But now, we pimped it out! Check this out!
FMOFG: HELL NO!!!!!! Is that a Playstation in my bicuspids?!?!?!? Get the *beep* out!!!!!
Xzibit: That's not all man, check out these subwoofers in your molars!
FMOFG: Yo man, they so loud I get a concussion just listening to In da Club!
Xzibit: Heh heeeehhhhhhhhh! *claps* Aiight, yo gums were decayed behind repair, so we ripped them all out and put in this velvet with chrome supports!
FMOFG: Man, I got tears in my eyes man. I got tears! This is unreal! I love you man! The pain is unbearable...but it's worf it!!!!!
Xzibit: Aiight, that's it for this episode. Come back next time for another episode of Pimp My Teef!

Okay, so who knows someone who knows someone whose uncle knows a guy who knows someone at MTV? Hook me up. This is gold.

Your Favorite Jerk

Monday, August 08, 2005

Taste of the Danforth

It's funny how what one culture considers mundane, another reveres as an annual festival. In China, when you have a street full of hawkers selling food on the sidewalk, it's called...well, it's just called a street. In Toronto, this is called Taste of the Danforth, and they actually close off several city blocks for this event.

I ate so much on the Danforth yesterday that I can't possibly remember everything I tried. But I do remember this exchange I had with a little kid while waiting in line for oysters, and it went something like this:

Kid's dad: You kids want to try some of that calamari? (Points to the calamari I'm holding)
Kid: They look like worms
Me: They taste better than worms
Kid: How would you know? Have you tried worms before?
Me: Actually, yes. (This is a lie. Honest.)
Kid: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW (continues looking at me with absolute disgust for about 2 minutes)

At this point I wanted to say, "I think I'll go get some dog after this", but I thought better of it for the sake of my race.

Your Favorite Jerk

Sunday, August 07, 2005

Conference in New Hampshire

Waterville Valley ResortIf the last conference in Detroit was like spending a few days aboard a cruise ship, the conference in New Hampshire last week would best be compared to a weekend at a high-pressure, timeshare-resort sales presentation. In exchange for a week's stay at a comfortable waterfront condo with access to trails, bikes, canoes, and skating rinks, all I had to do was sit through four hours of talks every day. I won't lie and say the place wasn't beautiful, but by the fourth day I was ready to sign whatever they wanted me to sign so I could get out of there--I can only handle so much outdoor living at a time. In any case, I'm glad to be back in Toronto now for a couple weeks before I finish off the summer in Vancouver. Let's do something before fall comes and the green leaves forsake us for warmer climates.

Your Favorite Jerk