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Sunday, July 25, 2004

Merry Hags of Vancouver (or Hags on The Beach)

Today was supposed to be the hotest day in Vancouver since the time Dinosaurs chased cavemen and cows ate people or something like that, but it turned out to be quite cool and breezy down in Vanier park, where I went (with two equally sarcastic people =) to see The Merry Wives of Windsor at Bard on the Beach.

The weather was perfect and the play was very well done, but the three hags...errr ladies...I had the displeasure of sitting next to made me wonder if the Spanish Inquisition would ever make a comeback on this side of the Atlantic. No more than three seconds after I sit down at my seat, woman #1 tells me that her two friends would be coming very soon. "That's nice" I say, while I think, "so?". As if reading my mind, woman #1 continues "You will probably want to put your backpack under your seat or else your knees will come in contact with my friend's". "Right..." I say, and then a little more quietly to myself "who IS this woman?".

Finally, the other women/hags arrive to take their seats and luckily the smaller of the three (we'll call her woman #3) sits next to me. At this point, I have positioned myself so as not to touch this woman, but this doesn't deter woman #3 from telling woman #1 how disappointed she is that there are people sitting next to them. Who would have thought that you will have to sit next to the unwashed masses when you go to a play? Heaven forbid.

10 minutes before the show starts woman #3 jumps up and starts looking under her seat for her water bottle which she conludes has rolled away and is now lost forever. "Too bad" I think to myself shortly before I take a sip from my cool water bottle. Ahhhh...nice.

The show starts at 4:00PM sharp and as the audience is introduced to Sir Falstaff, our Merry Hags decide it's time to start their picnic, bringing out sandwiches and other delectable treats. Here's a tip for those who might be planning a similar gastronomic excursion: Don't chew and's just not pretty. Sometime during the second act, a particularly witty zinger sends woman #1 into hysterical laughter. Of course her mouth is stuffed with freshly baked bread and she proceeds to cough uncontrollably and quite loudly. Lady, I didn't pay to come and hear you cough, so please take a sip of water...oh wait, you didn't bring any...well, why don't you borrow some from your friend?...oh wait...her water bottle rolled away...too bad. Another sip from my cool water bottle.

Your Favorite Jerk


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