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Tuesday, July 27, 2004

Go green or go home

The recent "heatwave" in Vancouver has underscored for me the dangers of global warming, and I realized that if we don't take care of our planet, nobody will. Ironically, I came to this conclusion while hiding from the heat in my dad's air-conditioned SUV. In any case, I believe now that we must all do our part to ensure that our children, and our children's children, and our children's children's robots will have a planet they can call home. So on that note, I have decided to take the bus to work this week. Okay, that and I sold my car last Friday so I don't have a ride anymore.

I haven't used the bus seriously since my pentultimate year at UBC and I don't really have any fond memories of the system. But to be honest, I never really hated the buses in Vancouver. For the most part they are quite safe and reliable, even if they are a bit slow. But I've noticed that some things have changed since the last time I took the bus. The 99 B-Line now plays the same recording as the Skytrain when opening and closing its doors (you know, ding ding dong). To me that's a sick joke because it feels like Translink is saying, "sorry, we can't afford a real rapid-transit system, but let's pretend these buses are skytrains...weeeeee!" What's next? Are they going to replace the trolleys on the Number 9 buses with six midgets pushing from behind, while making fake engine noises? vrrrrrrrrrrooom...

Yesterday, I got on the B-line on my return trip and noticed that it was one of those original B-line buses. Unlike the new ones that ride low to the ground, these classic B-lines are far more regal in stature, offering passengers a clear view of the roofs of any passing Hummer or Yukon Denali XL. I decided to sit in the middle of the bus (in the "accordion" area with the two sets of "bouncy" seats) for nostalgia's sake. Nostalgia it turns out is a cruel beast because it only reminds you of pleasant experiences, while conveniently forgetting to mention unpleasant details, like the fact that bouncy seats tend to cause intense nausea. It didn't help that the sweaty man standing in front of me chose to adopt a 'Mighty Warrior' stance to balance himself against two poles, while keeping his left armpit directly above my nose. My olfactory receptors have not been violated like this since I went into the washroom of an Airbus during the 10th hour of a 12 hour trans-pacific flight.

Today, I am better prepared. I am wearing my silver Coolmax t-shirt (by Dupont) that can suck all the sweat and BO away from my skin to the outside of the shirt, guaranteeing me the title of smelliest B-line rider. Let's fight fire with fire...muahahahahahaha.

Your Favorite Jerk


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