Ask Dr. Laura

Caller: Hi Dr. Laura, RF here. Longtime listener; first time caller. Recently, I moved to Toronto and boy, is it windy here! My hands are always dry and I can't seemed to bring back the soft, supple hands I had back home, no matter how much swiss-imported hand cream I lather on in the morning. I figure since you're a doctor and everything, maybe you can tell me what's going on.

Dr. Laura: Listen RF, I'm not actually a medical doctor, but I don't need a stethscope around my neck to know that your descicated epidermal fibres are a symptom of your corrupt moral fibre. Look at all the people living in the southern, more morally righteous states. Do any of them have dry hands? No!

RF, listen to me. You're heading down a slippery slope. First you use a little swiss-imported hand cream. Pretty soon, you're on to the harder stuff like Aveeno and what have you -- I can't even mention these names on the air because children listen to this show -- you kids out there, just say no to luxurious hand creams from Europe.

Alright, we're running out of time. But RF, listen to me, get some help. Marry your crack-addicted common-law partner and raise your born-out-of-wedlock bastard children. When you fulfil your potential as a loving parent, your hands will be supple again.

Caller: ...but I don't have any bastard children...and cracked-addicted...what?...what are you talking about?...I..uhhh

Dr. Laura: Okay, I've heard enough. Next caller!