Be a bouncer? Yeah, I can do that

I have a bit of free time on my hands in the evenings these days and since I like to stay true to my industrious Chinese roots, I decided to apply for a part time job as an evening/overnight proctor for the 89 Chestnut study room. The requirements for this job seem straighforward: sit and watch over anxious undergrads while they study for their finals. To be honest, this job requires no real skillset besides being able to sit still and be quiet (a skill I have already mastered early on in my formative years). Nevertheless, an excess of applicants meant that all potential proctors had to be interviewed by the residence office -- presumably, to see who can sit quietly with the most poise.

I went into the interview with very little mental preparation, and this may have affected my "game" a little bit. I wasn't expecting tough questions like: "why do you want to be a proctor" -- you mean besides monetary gain? -- or "what challenges do you expect to overcome as a proctor" -- no one told me there would be challenges...is this some kind of joke? Thankfully, my ability to wiggle/weasel/writhe (why do all the good evasive verbs start with 'w'?) out of tough situations carried me through most of the interview. In fact, I thought I was doing pretty well until DK -- the 6'5" Jamaican "Don of Dons" -- asked me how comfortable I would feel about confronting obnoxious students and how good I was at "conflict managment". I know euphemisms when I hear them, and I knew the real question was, in fact, "Yo mutha----er, when the ---- be goin' down, can your skinny --- can handle the heat, dawg?" So I replied, "Hell ya, mutha----er! When the ---- go down, I be there till the end! Oof oof". At this point, I stood up, flashed my aZn pRide gang signs and was promptly asked to leave the premises. No seriously, I think that last question essentially told me they were looking for someone who could fill a student bouncer role and, quite frankly, I don't think I fit the bill. We'll see how it goes, but when they told me I looked like a "studious" individual, I think they were dropping some pretty obvious hints that this job isn't for me.


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