Update from the front

Vancouver, BC - The War on Obesity is off to a bad start. After a valiant effort in the early days of the war, enemy forces belonging to the Axis of Gluttony overwhelmed hungry Allied troops along the front last night. Preliminary reports indicate that traitors on the front caved when facing unsurmountable enemy forces and surrendered, ingesting 2 Cokes, a beer and a pound of buffalo wings in one sitting. Experts believe that that the cumulative effects of last night's fiasco negated advances made earlier in the day when Allied troops captured key enemy outposts by eating a salad for lunch. Allied General, Reformed Jerk conceded at this morning's press conference that the "enemy is more cunning than earlier believed", but went on to reaffirm his belief that Allied troops had enough character to win this war by saying "Rest assured that the war will continue and the Axis of Gluttony will be destroyed. Fat may have started the War on Obesity, but we will choose the time and place to end it". However, reactions from average citizens showed such positive spin has had little effect on morale. In the wake of last nights stunning setback, many have opted to sell off their War Bonds to transfer funds into less volatile Liposuction Bonds. Says software developer Joe Schmoe, "dude, we are hosed now. The only way we can get out of this alive is to turn to lipo". Moments later Mr. Schmoe was seen stuffing his face with an unidentified pastry. He was promptly arrested and has been sent to Re-education Camp.


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